Much love, Shaudeh Farjami

I have always been the girl who looks “too deep” into something or someone. Maybe that’s because I understood from a young age that there is always more than what meets the eye.

Without a doubt, my life became more meaningful the day I realized I would not get to live a single moment twice. I hold onto the memories tighter.

Everyone’s mom claims their child has this photographic memory, but I cannot make up this power of retrospection. To be frank, I am not even proud of it. I would trade it for the world.

I remember being signed out of kindergarten in the fall of 2007 to meet my baby sister in the hospital, I remember the violet dress with white flowers my mom wore to dinner on a night in Wailea-Makena summer of 2010, I remember the hour I moved into my freshman dorm in September 2020, I remember the exact moment I realized I had never felt so comfortable or serene around someone until I met you.

A retentive memory is the greatest living paradox; both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.

I take everything to heart. The little things put me over the moon. A memory can make me feel so warm inside, until it starts to peel at my emotions.

I remember the details. I hone in on the fine points. Dangerous, isn’t it? A comment, positive or negative, could be implied light-heartedly— nonchalant. Yet, it will resonate with me.

My memory is even more vivid when it comes to people, places, and things that excite me. That inspire me. That I am genuinely invested in getting to know every facet and imperfection of.

An uncanny memory is the secret to the recipe for disappointment and the key ingredient for a heavy heart. I get caught up in the minutiae, replaying memories that could bite my future self.

“I always do this. I get too excited about the memory, ” I explained to my roommate Saturday afternoon.

Sometimes, I wish my memory was fogged. I wish I couldn’t replay conversations so seamlessly, that I couldn’t replicate a sensation by merely replaying an event in my head. I can relive the butterflies in my stomach just by the thought of a distant memory.

I am jealous of those who can live by the mantra, out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight just means on my mind all day to cope with the missing piece.

I wish the tiny details were not ingrained in my memory. I would never be let down because I wouldn’t have such a precise memory of my standards.

The only thing I cannot remember, that I can never instill in my brain— to forget and let go.

Never stop yourself from chasing excitement. Let your heart and mind soar when provoked.

All the same, never forget to flood back to reality. Tap into the real world. The only entity that will let down in the end, is your own expectation.

Dwelling on the negative weight that comes with a clear memory will do me no service. But the positive? I never forget the top of my bar and lowest on my totem pole. I carry every heartbreak and every celebration at the front of my mind. It makes the good better, and the bad strike a deeper chord. My emotions are more vibrant. My life is more momentous.

Much love,

Shaudeh Farjami